I am heartened to know that I am not the only one who has experienced bad kissing. Gorgeous Leonardo DiCaprio speaks about his first kiss. “The first kiss I had was the most disgusting thing in my life. The girl injected a pound of saliva into my mouth and when I walked away I had to spit it all out”! Yuck. How discouraging a kiss can be! Yet, for Leo, I dare to think there would be a lot of really good kissing karacters who were heading his way. The rest of us have to endure, unfortunately.
Most men, I think, can be categorized as Functional Kisses. Let’s face it, even if they are not attuned to the higher level of kissing they still are able to turn us on, thank heavens.
I talk candidly in “Meet Me Under The Eiffel Tower” about my experiences with horrible kissers, giving titles to these Princes of the Kissing Hall of Shame:
1. The Drooler: Ohmyheavens, help me! The drooler thinks he is a puppy, but I’d rather be in bed with a puppy than a droller. There was nothing else to say but au revoir! Lesson Number One: No Drooling!
2. The Fish: When a certain would-be suitor came over and finally got around to kissing me, I needed a wet suit. Were we at the beach?! Ah, no. When men slobber so much salvia around in your mouth (like our friend Leo had done to him) the mouth and chin actually gets chapped and it is NOT fun. It is NOT passionate. Lesson Number Two: No slobbering!
3. The Propeller Kisser: Be careful what you wish for: When I indicated to this gentlemen who I had seen several times, that I was interested in more than a perfunctory kiss, he seized the day, carpe diem. He grabbed me, jammed his tongue down my throat and wouldn’t let go. I tried to breathe but couldn’t. Gasping, I tried to indicate “enough”. His tongue was like a propeller in my mouth, and this kamikaze pilot was about to kill me with that propeller. I was being choked, strangled really to death by his slimy, long tongue! The more I gasped for air, the more he misinterpreted the gasping as passion and forged onward and inward. I thought his tongue was trying to reach my intestines. Eventually, my blue face turned back to its normal color and breathing resumed. NO real harm done (except for the onset of claustrophobia). Lesson Number Three: Too much, waaaay too much too soon is not remotely acceptable. Don’t underestimate the importance of a delicate first kiss lest you kill some fair maiden with your version of passion.
4. Not to Be Outdone: The-Chicken-With-His-Head-Cut-Off Kisser Hady was my first Muslim man. He lived in Paris, originated from Morocco and we met on a dating site. After a fabulous lunch on our first date, he gallantly offered to drive me home. After all that vino you can imagine my rationale was a bit off kilter. No sooner than he drove me up to my building did I begin to thank him for the ride and luncheon. “Surely you want to extend hospitality to me?” Duh. He caught me off guard. Up to my apartment the elevator glided us. I went into the kitchen to pour some ice tea. Before I knew it he was behind me, nuzzling my neck. I hadn’t a chance to say anything before he kissed me. His tongue darted wildly around in my mouth. If I hadn’t had so much to drink, I would have started to laugh.What was he thinking? Wasn’t it time for my Muslim friend to pray or something? Which direction was Mecca? Who taught him to kiss? Some woman in Moracco high on hashish? Lesson Number Four: Calm down. Don’t start with passion. Work Up To It. Anticipation is everything.
5. The Frog An Officer in the International Kissing Hall of Shame – At the end of a wine date, Georges walked me to the metro and looked at the map with me to check my connections. Before I knew it, he turned into a frog. Really! Apparently, I was the fly. His long tongue protruded out of his mouth for what appeared about twenty-four inches. I do not exaggerate. He didn’t wait till our mouths meet; he literally thought he could lure me in as a frog does to a fly, by jetting his tongue out and then pulling me into it. Who teaches these guys to kiss, anyway? Some lady on hashish in Morocco? Honestly, now I wish I had slapped his face. Lesson Number 5: Slap his face if a guy pulls this stunt. Public or not, he should be have to walk on hot coals!
What have my readers experienced, I wonder. There IS a perfect kiss. There ARE men who know how to do it. In my next blog I will share that with you.