Sooner or later sexual incompatibility may rear its ugly head and instead of being that playful, loving, sexual couple you once were, you find yourself turning away from each other in and out of bed. What happened? As many couples as there are, there are reasons we grow away from our loved one:
Kids – number one reason for married couples with children. Bless the little rug rats, it’s not their fault that they need so much: bottles, breasts, holding, princess outfits, collage. As in love as we can be with our kids, they take a WHOLE lot of our time and devotion and can pull the originating partners, who created them, away from each other. They take our thoughts, our money, our time, our freedom. They become the relationship with mom and dad stepping to the rear. Before you know it, the significant other feels abandoned (on either side of the equation). Bless their little pea-pickin’ hearts; It is just the reality of bringing children into the world. We need point no finger at anyone in the family equation.
Money – Show Me The Money! So few have enough to escape! With the fluctuation of life come the fluctuation of the family finances. Ugh! All of a sudden, we are just trying to keep our crummy jobs without anticipating even a cost of living at work. There are few fairnesses in life but staying on track financially is tantamount to sleeping at night. Which brings up the next point:
Exhaustion – You would think once we land in bed we would drop into a coma for eight hours and then be invigorated to start all over again. Instead, our brains are going lickity split, and we toss and turn with the issues on our mind. Ugh!
And then we are expected to ….to….what, have sex? Not a chance. Don’t look at me that way, darling, cause I am going to s l e e p.
The Familiarity Concept – Yep, you have been together for a while and have basically tried out all you think you are really interested in finding out about. Familiarity breeds contempt. I can wait. You can wait. It is a concept that has long separated couples from each other and the most important relationship of their lives. Pity. Even if you are willing to forgo your sexual life together for a while, that “a while” starts to turn into a “forever.” Then, before you know it, you haven’t touched, kissed or have been intimate in ages. No fun whatsoever.
You are being separated by – life!
While habits are definitely hard to change you better get a grip that you and/or your partner may not be happy about losing your intimacy, lest they turn elsewhere or become depressed.
So here is Mama Tasha’s advice: Younger couples: Don’t let life pull you in other directions! Plan your time together – alone – with each other with no children in tow. The best money you will ever invest is not in the stock market but in a reliable babysitter who will allow the two of you to go out. It is my Time Out for Parents idea. Not every vacation has to be taken with the children. Set time away as a couple without your children. When you are together talk about anything BUT the children. What did you use to talk about: travel, politics, plays, movies, volunteering….
Older Couples: Lots more reasons beyond children, who are now grown and, thankfully, out of the nest. Older couples often become like brother and sister. What else can they be if they are no longer lovers? Has your love life gotten stale? What was the last spontaneous thing the two of you did together? What was the last fun, sexual thing you did together? I don’t care what you have tried, there is always something else to liven up your sex life. And, be aware: because your partner is not saying anything doesn’t mean they are not thinking and needing what once was.
For goodness sake, if it ain’t workin’ for the male or female go and see a doctor. Don’t let fear get in the way. You have so much to reclaim and regain in a renewed relationship. Doctors for both men, and women can offer real alternatives. Don’t give up! If there is a medical reason that can’t be fixed, you still have your arms to hold each other, fingertips to touch each other and lips to kiss each other. You can still laugh, chuckle and cry with each other. And that, my friend is, what love is all about. Being together with each other.
If your lack of sex life doesn’t fall under any of the above, for goodness sake, talk to each other about it (have I said that before?). I talk about this in my book “Meet Me Under The Eiffel Tower”. When half of the couple still has a strong libido and the other half is asexual there are going to be a mountain of problems to forge. TALK, TALK, TALK! Don’t give up. Make sure your partner feels as important as he/she once was. Try something new if your partner wants to. If you aren’t ready to save your sexual relationship, you are inadvertently giving up on your relationship. None of us ages at the same pace. Many give up on intimacy in their forties (horror!). But if this is important to either you or your partner, you better sit up and listen. The only alternative is: to live unhappily or divorce court. Sexual incompatible is not a death sentence; if you really want a remedy, read, get counsel, be more open-minded, be considerate of your partner. If you don’t, are you living?
I heard a quote the other day: “Live Until You Die.”
I say: Just don’t die before you die.