Internet Dating: It’s a long and winding road…to nowhere…OK, so I may sound like the beatles, but I, like everyone else, has had her share of good dates and bad dates via the internet.
In my book, “Meet Me Under The Eiffel Tower” I talk openly about some of them. First of all, let’s eliminate the no-shows, which I experienced but, thankfully, not too often. Here are a few of my worst dates:
An ex-spouse of an acquaintance of mine calls me up and invites me to dinner. He is wealthy, independent and over-confident, in other words arrogant. He drives like a maniac (he was at some point in his life a race car driver) and dismisses my terror as “ridiculous”. Eventually, we land at this restaurant, are seated and order. Then he starts in on how women lie about their weight. Granted, I was not a size 6 at that time, just a size eight, which I wish I was now. For forty minutes he drones on about the weight issue. I think I will just let him talk himself into oblivion and then, maybe, eventually he will stop. He doesn’t. While he never alludes to me, exactly, he sure is intent on making his point. Be aware that this 60-ish man is balding and is not exactly buff.
Finally, exasperated and bored as hell I put my fork down and respond: “Do you have any idea how superficial this conversation is?”.
“No it’s not” he protests and starts to talk, which I now interrupt.
“Yes, it is. It is as if I complained for the last forty minutes that a man’s penis had to be x number of inches for him to have any value. That’s how superficial it is. We are supposed to get wiser as we get older…we are supposed to have a fuller, more mature value system…Really!”
Conversation stopped about then and both of us couldn’t wait to get out of there.
In my book, I talk about kissing. It is not necessary to kiss someone goodbye who you just meant but certainly acceptable, assuming it is mutual.
I named the kissers in my life: The Fish, The Kamiekaze Pilot, Dracula, The Frog…let’s talk about the frog. As we meet in Paris, the first thing he says to me is: “I can’t stay long. I have to go back to work.” Translated that means I don’t care for your looks or I am not courteous enough to tell you this ahead of time. Either way, it is a lousy way to begin a date. We have a glass of wine and he walks me to the metro. Without knowing what was about to happen, my frog sticks his tongue out about 24 inches (I kid you not) and pulls me along towards his mouth with his tongue sticking into my mouth. It is gross and disgusting. I should have slapped him in the face, but I was so startled I didn’t do anything. Yuk!
One of my best dates in Paris: I meet the gentleman and he escorts me to the restaurant where he stopped by earlier and has left a bouquet of flowers at our table for me. We have a lovely dinner and become friends. Still are.
One of my best internet dates at home is also one of my worst: We meet on Valentine’s Day at a coastal restaurant for lunch. He brings me a long stemmed white rose and we are seated. We spend close to two hours enjoying each other’s company, discuss what we have in common, drink a bottle of wine, have a delicious lunch and then depart. I thank him, give him a light hug and we each go our separate ways. Unfortunately, I never hear from him again! He is abducted by an alien space ship or he is disappointed that I turned him down for a weekend at the Met in New York. But hear from him I don’t. I felt duped. What had just happened here, I puzzled? Was this all a figment of my imagination? I even called him, which I rarely do, but my opera lover didn’t call back.
Damn! It is hard to figure it all out. But better yet, for all I know, he might have been married or in a relationship. Who knows. I stopped being disappointed. This was life, I reminded myself. The ups and downs of internet dating. Not often easy. Not always fun, and many times perplexing. I was not about to change it. Of course, in the annals of internet dating there are a lot worse stories.